H0W iS THAT...

H0W CAN iT BE WHEN i WAS WiTH MARK, i C0ULDN'T FiGURE 0UT WH0 i L0VED. WH0 i WANTED T0 SPEND THE REST 0F MY LiFE WiTH. F0R A MiNUTE i WAS STRUGGLiNG BETWEEN MARK & DALE. BUT THAN i DECiDED iT WAS G0iNG T0 BE MARK. BUT WE BR0KE UP && i WAS BACK 0N DALE.

BUT N0W WHEN i TALK T0 B0TH... THERE'S N0THiNG. MY HEART CL0SED 0FF FR0M L0VE AND FR0M FEELiNGS. iT'S BEEN A M0NTH SiNCE MARK & i BR0KE UP. i TALKED T0 HiM 0N THE PH0NE, i D0NT KN0W HE JUST MAKES ME NERV0US. HE MAKES ME SHAKE. iT FEELS LiKE WHEN HE USE T0 CALL ME BACK BEF0RE WE REALLY KNEW EACH 0THER.

BUT WHEN i SEE 0R TALK T0 DALE. iT'S LiKE. WE'RE JUST KiCKiN iT. i'LL JUST BE iN A FLiRTiN RELATi0NSHiP WiTH HiM. i JUST D0NT KN0W... i CANT BELiEVE THAT N0W MY LiFE HAS CHANGED. i D0NT SEE A FUTURE WiTH EiTHER 0F THEM. WELL AT LEAST iN A RELATi0NSHiP...

BLAH

Y0UR PH0NE CALLS....

Y0UR PH0NE CALLS. i D0NT KN0W. BUT WHEN i HEAR SUFF0CATE BY J H0LiDAY G0 0FF 0N MY PH0NE i FREEZE AND STAR AT MY PH0NE. i M0ST DEFiNATELY HESiTATE BEF0RE i ANSWER BUT i KN0W iN MY HEART AND MY HEAD THAT iMMA ANSWER THE PH0NE. i D0NT KN0W Y0U JUST HAVE THAT P0WER 0VER ME STiLL.

WHEN i ANSWER THE PH0NE i D0NT FEEL THE SAME WAY i USE T0. i FEEL NERV0US. LiKE THE FiRST TiME Y0U EVER CALLED ME. WE TALK AND SHiT JUST GETS i D0NT KN0W T0 EXPLAiN iT. BUT i N0W KN0W THAT Y0U MiSS ME. THAT Y0U STiLL THiNK 0F ME. BUT THE QUESTi0N iS AM i JUST S0ME0NE T0 TALK T0 0R D0 Y0U TRULY MiSS ME. i D0NT KN0W WHAT'S REAL 0R FAKE WiTH Y0U ANYM0RE.

i KN0W THAT i'M TiRED 0F CRYiNG THAT i'M TiRED 0F LYiNG AB0UT H0W i FEEL. i JUST D0NT KN0W... i D0NT KN0W Y0U THiNK THAT WERE STiLL FRiENDS. BUT i CANT BE JUST FRiENDS WiTH S0ME0NE THAT HURT ME AS MUCH AS Y0U DiD. Y0U WERE SH0CKED AS HELL T0 HEAR THAT i MiSSED Y0U. BUT i MEAN THAT'S THE WAY THiNGS ARE AND N0 0NE CAN CHANGE THEM.

Y0U WiSH THAT i G0T 0UT M0RE WHEN WE WERE T0GETHER BUT i REALLY DiDNT HAVE ANY0NE THAN BUT Y0U. i JUST D0NT KN0W. i KN0W F0R A FACT THAT THERE'S N0THiNG THAT C0ULD EVER HAPPEN BETWEEN US AGAiN CAUSE i CANT DEAL WiTH THAT. i CANT DEAL WiTH ALL 0F THAT AGAiN. i SAiD i W0ULD RiDE 0R DiE F0R Y0U. & i DiED. THE REAL ME. S0 i FULL FiLLED WHAT i SAiD i W0ULD D0. i JUST D0NT KN0W...

B0YY....

B0Y i'M BR0KE iNT0 S0 MANY PiECES. PiECES THAT Y0U CANN0T SEE. i'VE TRiED MY BEST T0 HiD THEM FR0M THE W0RLD AND FR0M Y0U BEHiND THiS FAKE SMiLE. i LAY AWAKE AT NiGHT FEELiNG MY CHEST FiLL WiTH PAiN. PAiN 0F THE MEM0RiES 0F S0ME0NE WH0 BR0KE MY HEAR AND NEVER SEEMED T0 CARE. i WiSH i C0ULD PUT ALL THESE PiECES T0GETHER AND FiX MYSELF S0 THAT i CAN BE WiTH Y0U WH0LE HEARTEDLY. BUT THiS iS ME N0 WHERE CL0SE T0 PERFECT. STRUGGLNG iN THiS BiG W0RLD TRYiNG T0 HiD iT.

WHYY...

WHY DiD i GiVE Y0U MY NEW NUMBER. THE REAS0N WHY i CHANGED iT WAS S0 i W0ULDNT HAVE Y0U iN MY LiFE ANYM0RE. WHY DiD i ASK A QUESTi0N AB0UT S0METHiNG i KNEW W0ULD HURT ME, WHEN Y0U T0LD ME THE ANSWER. WHY D0 i KEEP MAKiN MiSTAKES. WHY D0 i KEEP ANSWERiNG Y0UR PH0NE CALLS. WHY THE FUCK AM i STiLL S0 iN L0VE WiTH Y0U AFTER Y0U USE & ABUSED ME TiLL THERE WAS N0THiNG LEFT 0F ME. N0T EVEN A SMALL PART 0F ME.

i HAD T0 RESTART. FR0M SCRATCH. i HAD T0 REALiZE WH0 i WAS. i HAD T0 REREAD THiNGS THAT i WR0TE L0NG BEF0RE. i HAD T0 REiDENTiFY MYSELF. Y0U SH0ULDNT HAVE T0 D0 THiNGS LiKE THAT. BUT i DiD BECAUSE i FELL iNT0 THE TRAP 0F Y0U. i WiSH THAT i C0ULD GET SMART & ST0P FALLiNG iNT0 THiS TRAP. i MEAN WHY... JUST WHYY... WHY CANT i GET 0UT. WHY CANT i ST0P. WHY CANT i ST0P THE TEARS, THE HURT, THE PAiN, THE EVERYTHiNG THAT HAS T0 D0 WiTH Y0U. i JUST D0NT KN0W.

Y0U CHANGED ME. Y0U MAKE ME iNT0 S0ME0NE THAT N0 0NE EVER REC0NGNiZED. N0T EVEN THE PE0PLE WH0 KNEW ME THE BEST. i HATE THAT Y0UR 0N iN & ALL 0VER MY HEART. i CAN GET Y0U 0UT N0 MATTER H0W MUCH i TRY. i CANT FiGHT iT. i'M JUST T0 WEAK WHEN iT C0MES T0 Y0U... WHY... TH0UGH...

& i D0NT KN0W...

i D0NT KN0W H0W T0 FEEL. i MEAN i SAW Y0UR FRiEND. i KNEW S00N THAT Y0U'D BE N0T T0 FAR BEHiND. BUT MY MiND G0T DiSTRACTED. i DiDNT EVEN THiNK AB0UT iT. BUT 0F C0URSE i RAN iNT0 Y0U EVENTUALLY. i D0NT KN0W. i GET PANiC ATTACKS WHEN i THiNK 0F Y0U, 0R WHAT Y0U'VE PUT ME THR0UGH. BUT AT THE SAME TiME WHEN i TALKED T0 Y0U, WHEN i SAW Y0U. WHEN Y0U HUGGED ME. i DiDNT PANiC AT ALL. Y0U HELD ME iN Y0UR ARMS THE WAY Y0U USE T0. iT SEEMED LiKE Y0U DiDNT WANT T0 LET G0. Y0U HELD ME TiGHTLY. BUT i DiDNT FEEL THE SAME AS i USE T0. THE WAY i DiD A FEW M0NTHS AG0. iN MY HEART i L0VED Y0U. BUT i D0NT THiNK THAT i HAVE L0VE F0R Y0U. JUST L0VED Y0U. i MEAN i D0NT KN0W H0W iF i L0VED Y0U THAT i C0ULD JUST BE THE WAY i AM. S0 FAR D0NE. S0 FAR BEY0ND WHERE i USE T0 BE. BUT HEART D0ESNT ACHE WHEN i SEE Y0U. BUT AT THE SAME TiME i JUST D0NT KN0W. i D0NT KN0W H0W T0 FEEL AB0UT SEEiNG Y0U. i D0NT KN0W H0W i FEEL AB0UT Y0U. BUT i D0 KN0W THAT i HAVE MY FUTURE AHEAD 0F Y0U... Y0U T0LD ME T0 CALL Y0U WHENEVER. BUT i SEE N0 P0iNT iN CALLiN Y0U, JUST T0 CLEAR THiNGS UP.

i CAN TELL FR0M THAT HUG & THE WAY Y0U L00KED AT ME THAT Y0U DiD 0R D0 MiSS ME. BUT ALL Y0UR 0THER FRiENDS WERE JUST i D0NT KN0W. THEY ST00D BACK. THEY KNEW THAT iT WAS A CATi0US SiTUATi0N. MY FRiENDS WERE 0N THE PH0NE YELLiNG iN MY EAR T0 TELL ME T0 TELL Y0U T0 G0 AWAY. THAT i WANTED N0THiNG T0 D0 WiTH Y0U. BUT i HAVE T0 D0 ME. i HAVE T0 HANDLE THiS iS MY 0WN WAY. N0 WHAT iF'S N0 iF'S N0 ANDS N0 BUTS. THiS iS ME, i HAVE PE0PLE STANDiNG BEHiND ME BUT THEY CANT MAKE MY DECiSi0NS F0R ME. iF i WANTED T0 i C0ULD KEEP Y0U AS A FRiEND. BUT i D0NT iF THAT'S P0SSiBLE ANYM0RE. CAUSE i CANT EVEN REMEMBER THE G00D TiMES WE HAD ANYM0RE. i 0NLY REMEMBER THE BAD... i JUST D0NT KN0W...

N0 MATTER WHAT...

N0 MATTER WHAT iS SAiD D0NE T0LD. Y0U'LL ALWAYS BE A PART 0F ME. Y0U'LL ALWAYS BE iN MY HEART. Y0UR THE 0NE THAT i CAN GET 0UT'VE MY HEART N0 MATTER H0W HARD i TRiED. i JUST CANT GET Y0U 0UT. Y0UR LiKE A HUSBAND, A BABY DADDY. i D0NT WANT Y0U 0UT'VE MY LiFE. iVE HAD Y0U 0UT'VE MY LiFE F0R F0UR M0NTHS. i CANT HAVE Y0U 0UT AGAiN. i 0FTEN SiT AND W0NDER WHAT 0UR STATUS W0ULD BE AT 0UR 10 0R 20 YEAR REUNi0N. WiLL WE BE MARRiED, WiLL WE BE T0GETHER. WiLL WE JUST BE REALLY G00D FRiENDS. i D0NT KN0W 0NLY TiME WiLL TELL.

i L0VE Y0U. S0METiMES i FEEL LiKE i D0NT DESERVE T0 BE L0VED BY Y0U. 0R CARED AB0UT BY Y0U. Y0UR THE 0NE THAT i HURT S0 BAD. iT MAKES MY CRY EVERYTiME i THiNK AB0UT iT. i WiSH THAT iNSTEAD 0F BEiNG THE 0NE THAT HURT Y0U, 0R 0NE 0F THE MANY THAT HURT Y0U. i C0ULD TAKE AWAY ALL 0F Y0UR PAiN. i WiSH THAT ME SACRiFiCiNG MYSELF, MAKiNG iT THAT i SPEND THE REST 0F MY LiFE BY MYSELF. JUST ME. WiTH KN0WiNG THAT Y0U WERE HAPPiLY MARRiED. THAT Y0U FiNALLY F0UND A GiRL THAT TREATS Y0U G00D. THAT TREATS Y0U RiGHT.

T0DAY i T0LD Y0U HEARTBREAKiNG NEWS. THAT i NEVER WANTED T0 TELL Y0U, i WiSH THAT i WASNT F0RCED T0 TELL Y0U AR0UND EVERY0NE. i WiSH THAT i HAD JUST T0LD Y0U 0VER THE PH0NE THE NiGHT BEF0RE. BUT i M0STLY WiSH THAT i DiDNT HAVE T0 BE THE 0NE T0 TELL Y0U THAT. BUT i WAS. TEALE SENT ME 0UT T0 BE THE 0NE T0 TALK T0 Y0U T0 C0MF0RT Y0U. BUT THERE WASN'T i C0ULD SAY. i C0ULDN'T SAY THAT Y0UR THE BEST Y0U D0NT DESERVE A CHEATER. WELL Y0U D0 DESERVE THE BEST. BUT i CANT SAY CHEATiNG iS THE W0RSE THiNG Y0U CAN D0. THERE WERE JUST MANY THiNGS i WANT T0 SAY T0 Y0U BUT i C0ULDNT BECAUSE i DiD TH0SE THiNGS T0 Y0U. i FEEL i FAiLED AS Y0UR FRiENDS, AS Y0UR BEST FRiENDS. i FAiLED AS Y0UR RiDE 0R DiE. i D0NT KN0W... THAT'S JUST ME...

THiS iS THE NEW ME...

MY LiFE iT'S BEEN A W0RK iN PR0GRESS SiNCE THE DAY MARK BR0KE UP WiTH ME. i TH0UGHT THAT MY LiFE WAS 0VER THAT DAY. THAT i HAD N0THiNG T0 LiVE F0R. THAT N0 0NE CARED AB0UT ME. i WAS AL0NE. AFTER i L0ST HiM, i L0ST EVERYTHiNG. iT'S BEEN A M0NTH N0W. A M0NTH AND S0ME CHANGE. i D0NT WHY i WAS S0 SURPRiSED AND SH0CKED THAT HE BR0KE UP WiTH ME. i MEAN iN MY HEART. DEEP iN MY HEART i KNEW THAT THiNGS WERE TURNiNG F0R THE W0RST. i MEAN HE PUT ME THR0UGH S0 MUCH MENTALLY. PHYSiCALLY. && EM0Ti0NALLY. SiNCE HE G0T L0CKED UP. i DiDNT KN0W WHAT i WANTED T0 D0. iF i WANTED T0 WALK AWAY 0R STAY. N0 MATTER H0W MANY TiMES i WANTED T0 WALK AWAY. i W0ULD START T0 WALK AWAY BUT THERE WAS THiS F0RCE FiELD. THERE WAS S0METHiNG TiED T0 ME THAT JUST W0ULDN'T LET ME WALK AWAY. S0 i WAS STUCK. i WAS STUCK HALF iN THE D00R & HALF 0UT'VE THE D00R. THE 0NLY WAY i WAS G0iNG T0 GET 0UT ALiVE. WAS F0R HiM T0 BREAK iT 0FF. F0R HiM T0 BE THE 0NE T0 END THiNGS. N0W THAT i L00K BACK i'M GLAD THAT HE ENDED THiNGS THE WAY HE DiD. HE BR0KE UP WiTH ME AND JUST ST0PPED TALKiNG T0. i FiNALLY G0T iT. THAT iT WAS 0VER. i MEAN ME. i'LL SAY iMMA D0 THiS. BUT WHEN iT C0ME T0 MATTERS 0F THE HEART. i CAN C0NTR0L MY ACTi0NS. i'M JUST UNDER A SPELL. THAT CAN BE A G00D THiNG 0R A BAD. iT JUST ALL DEPENDS. i MEAN HE CALLED ME FEW DAYS AFTER. i SH0ULDVE HAD THE WiLL P0WER T0 N0T ANSWER THE PH0NE. BUT i DiD. THAT WAS MY CL0SURE. i MEAN EVEN iF HE CALLS ME. i'LL M0RE THAN LiKELY STiLL PiCK UP THE PH0NE, BUT WiTH TiME. SL0W WiTH TiME i WiLL BE ABLE T0 ANSWER THAT PH0NE KN0WiNG THAT HE'S N0THiNG T0 ME. HE TREATED ME LiKE DiRT. i WAS THERE WHEN HE NEEDED S0ME0NE 0R NEED S0METHiNG. i D0NT KN0W iF HE WHEN HE SAiD HE L0VED ME iF HE TRULY MEANT iT. BUT i KN0W THAT i GAVE iT MY ALL. THAT i L0VED HiM WiTH EVERYTHiNG i WAS, AND WH0 i WAS.

BUT N0W. i L00K BACK AT REALiZE iT ALL. THAT i WASN'T ALONE. i HAD MY FRiENDS THE WH0LE TiME. i MAY FEEL AL0NE iN THiS W0RLD BEiNG SiNGLE. N0T HAViNG S0ME0NE CALL ME EVERY NiGHT. N0T HAViNG S0ME0NE TELL ME THEY L0VE ME. i KN0W MY FRiENDS L0VE ME. i KN0W THE DALE L0VES ME. N0 MATTER H0W MUCH i'VE CHANGE. 0R WHAT i SAY 0R D0 T0 HiM. i D0NT UNDERSTAND WHY. BUT i D0. CAUSE HE L0VES CAUSE HE CAN'T C0NTR0L HiS HEART JUST LiKE i CANT C0NTR0L MiNE.

i'M GLAD T0 ME AGAiN. N0T THE 0LD ME 0F C0URSE. BUT THE NEW & iMPR0VED M0ST DEFiNATELY. i D0NT 0VER ANALYiZE THiNGS. i D0NT NEED T0. CAUSE iF S0METHiNG iS MEANT T0 HAPPEN THEN iT WiLL. iF S0ME0NE NEEDS ME THEY KN0W WHERE i AM. iF i FEEL SAiD & DALE TXT ME. i KN0W THAT i CR0SSED HiS MiND. & THAT'S EN0UGH F0R ME. JUST T0 KN0W THAT i CR0SSED HiS MiND. JUST LiKE HE CR0SSES MiNE.

0VER 7 M0NTHS i GRADUALLY BECAME THiS PERS0N. i D0NT EVEN KN0W WH0. SUKi. THiS GiRL THAT TH0UGHT N0THiNG C0ULD T0UCH HER. THAT ALL SHE NEED WAS A MAN. SHE DiDNT NEED FRiENDS. HiS FRiENDS WERE HER FRiENDS. SHE DiDNT NEED ANY0NE BUT HiM. SHE TH0UGHT THAT SHE WAS iNDEPENDENT BUT SHE WASNT AT ALL. EVERY TiME S0ME0NE CALLED HER S0METHiNG 0R DiD S0METHiNG T0 HER. SHE W0ULD RUN RiGHT T0 HiM 0R CALL HiM. THiS GiRL WAS THE BiGGEST BiTCH T0 ANY0NE & EVERY0NE. SHE Did WHAT SHE WANTED, SHE SAiD WHATEVER SHE WANTED. SHE TH0UGHT THAT N0 MATTER WHAT SHE C0ULD HiDE BEHiND HiM. THiS GiRL THAT W0ULD GET MAD AT EVERY LiTTLE THiNG. THAT SHE WANTED T0 START AN ARGUEMENT WiTH 0THER PE0PLE. BUT ALWAYS HiD SHiT. Y0U KN0W.

THAT'S SUKi. i'M KATiE. i W0RKED 0N MY ANGER PR0BLEMS. i D0NT FREAK 0UT AT JUST ANYTHiNG. 0NLY A FEW PE0PLE KN0W WHAT BUTT0NS T0 PRESS. THEY D0NT D0 THAT. CAUSE THEY KN0W BETTER. CAUSE TH0SE WH0 D0 KN0W WHiCH BUTT0NS T0 PRESS ARE THE 0NES THAT CALM ME D0WN. KN0W WHAT T0 SAY. THE 0NES THAT D0NT GiVE ME PANiC ATTACKS JUST THE SiGHT 0R TH0UGHT 0F THEM. i D0NT SHiT FR0M ANY0NE ANYM0RE. SAY WHAT Y0U WANNA SAY. iT'S LiKE A BiCK WALL 0VER HERE. CAUSE iT MAY AFFECT ME BUT i'M G0NNA SAY N0THiNG BACK ANYM0RE. i'LL JUST SiT THERE CAUSE iF i D0 iT'LL JUST BE FEEDiNG iNT0 Y0UR DRAMA FiLLED BULLSHiT. i G0 HARD 0R G0 H0ME. i'D RATHER G0 H0ME THAN DEAL WiTH M0RE SHiT THAN i HAVE T0. G0 HARD. MEANS T0 PUT UP FiGHT F0R WHAT i WANT. N0T LET ALL THESE PE0PLE GET ME D0WN, GET ME S0 FAR D0WN iN THE DiRT THAT THEY CAN JUST RUB MY FACE iN iT. N0PE THAT'S N0T ME ANYM0RE. i W0RRY AB0UT ME 0NLY ME. i AM MY 0WN PERS0N. YEA i W0RRY AB0UT MY FRiENDS 0F C0URSE. BUT i'M N0T G0NNA BE ALL UP iN THEiR FACE WHERE Y0U WHAT ARE Y0U D0iN WH0 Y0U WiTH. NAW i'MMA FALL BACK. W0RRY AB0UT MYSELF. GET MYSELF T0GETHER THAN W0RRY AB0UT THEM. i CAN STAND 0N MY 0WN. i D0NT HAVE T0 FEED 0FF 0THER PE0PLES ENERGY. i CAN FiGHT 0WN BATTLES BUT KN0W THAT iF i D0 NEED HELP THAT MY FAM iS RiGHT BESiDE ME. CAUSE iF THEY WERE BEHiND ME THAN THEY'D BE D0iN N0THiNG BUT WATCHiNG. && THAT'S DEFiNATELY N0T WHAT MY FAM D0ES AT ALL. N0T EVEN CL0SE. EVERY PERS0N THAT i SEE THAT i D0NT LiKE i D0NT WANT T0 FiGHT. FiGHTiNG iSNT THE ANSWER. YEA iTS A TEMPR0RY S0LUTi0N BUT N0T MY S0LUTi0N. 0NLY FiGHTiNG i'M G0iN T0 D0 iS F0R MY LiFE. F0R THE PE0PLE i L0VE T0 STAY iN MY LiFE. && F0R THE THAT i L0VE. 0F C0URSE. iF S0METHiNG iS TRULY B0THERiNG ME. i'M G0iNG T0 LET iT G0 UNSAiD. i WiLL SPEAK UP && TALK T0 THAT PERS0N. CAUSE H0LDiNG iT iN. C0ULD HURT THEM, N0T JUST ME.

i'VE C0ME AL0NG WAY F0R A M0NTH. BUT 0F C0URSE THiS W0RK iSN'T D0NE. CAUSE LiFE iS W0RK. LiFE iS A W0RK iN PR0GRESS. NEVER ST0P W0RKiN WEATHER iTS A J0B. Y0UR G0ALS. L0ViNG S0ME0NE. TAKiN CARE 0F S0ME0NE.

MY HEART iS Y0URS.

Y0U & i. WE SPEND A NiGHT T0GETHER. LAYiN NEXT T0 EACH 0THER. WHEN i F0UND 0UT THAT Y0U WERE G0iNG T0 BE AT THE PARTY. i NEVER TH0UGHT AB0UT Y0U BEiNG iNTRESTED iN ME. i MEAN Y0U THE 0NE C0MiN 0VER T0 ME. WHEN THERE WAS S0ME0NE ELSE THERE. S0ME0NE THAT Y0U USE T0 HANG 0UT WiTH. S0ME0NE Y0U USE T0 TALK T0. S0ME0NE THAT i FELT WAS PRETTiER THAN i. BUT JUST WHEN i TH0UGHT THAT Y0U WERE G0iN T0 WALK 0VER T0 HER AND TALK T0 HER. Y0U CAME 0VER T0 ME. && WRAPPED Y0UR ARMS AR0UND ME. WHEN i WALKED AWAY AFTER D0iN S0METHiNG. Y0U S00N F0LL0WED. i KEPT W0NDERiNG WHY ME. AFTER EVERYTHiNG. i TH0UGHT THAT Y0U W0ULD... i D0NT KN0W. i GUESS. i NEVER REALLY REALiZED H0W MUCH Y0U TRULY D0 L0VE ME. BEiNG ABLE T0 SLEEP NEXT T0 Y0U AFTER THAT DRAMA FiLLED NiGHT AND M0RNiNG. HAVE Y0U WRAP Y0UR ARM AR0UND ME. HAViNG Y0U H0LD ME LiKE Y0U USE T0. THE DRAMA THE TEARS THAT SHED THAT NiGHT. THE HEADACHES THAT i HAD T0 DEAL WiTH. iT WAS ALL W0RTH iT BECAUSE 0F THE M0MENTS i SHARED WiTH Y0U. JUST LAYiNG NEXT T0 Y0U. i NEVER TH0UGH THAT i W0ULD EVER iN A MiLLi0N CHANCES BE LAYiNG NEXT T0 Y0U. Y0U HAViNG Y0UR ARM AR0UND ME. i GUESS WHAT i'M SAYiNG iS THAT i NEVER REAL ADMiTTED T0 MYSELF THAT EVEN TH0UGH Y0U D0NT SH0W iT 0R Y0U D0NT TELL ME. Y0U L0VE ME. N0 MATTER WHAT. i GUESS BUT i D0NT F0R SURE. iF Y0U L0VE ME AS MUCH AS i L0VE Y0U. THAT LiTTLE THiNGS REMiND ME 0F Y0U. i GET BUTTERFLiES WHEN Y0UR AR0UND ME. Y0U MAKE ALL MY PR0BLEMS G0 AWAY. Y0U MAKE ME A BETTER PERS0N. Y0U KN0W WHAT T0 SAY T0 BRiNG ME BACK D0WN T0 EARTH. i L0VE Y0U. && i CANT EVER LET Y0U G0...

N0 M0RE ALC0H0L

WHEN i G0 T0 A PARTY. i REALiZED THAT i D0NT HAVE T0 DRiNK T0 HAVE FUN. i D0NT HAVE T0 BE THE 0NE FALLiN 0N THE FL00R WiTH EVERY0NE ELSE T0 BE WiTH ALL THE FUN. i CAN HAVE JUST AS MUCH FUN WiTH EVERY0NE ELSE C0MPLETELY S0BER WHiLE THEY ARE THE 0NES THAT ARE FALLiN 0N THE FL00R LAUGHiN DRUNK ASS HELL. i CARE AB0UT MY FRiENDS. i D0NT CARE iF i'M THE 0NE THAT HAS T0 TAKE CARE 0F THEM CAUSE i'M THE 0NLY 0NE THAT'S S0BER. iT MAKE ME FEEL NEEDED. iT MAKES THE W0RLD G0 R0UND F0R ME. i KN0W iT MiGHT S0UND WEiRD C0MiNG FR0M ME SAYiN THAT i QUiT DRiNKiN F0R A L0NG TiME. BUT THAT'S BECAUSE YES i'VE HAD G00D EXPERiENCES DRiNKiNG. BUT WHEN i D0 DRiNK M0ST 0F THE TiME i USED iT AS A CRUTCH. i USED iT T0 ACT LiKE i WAS HAViNG FUN BUT i WAS REALLY USiNG iT T0 HiDE THiNGS i WANTED T0 SAY. i USED iT T0 HiD THE DEPRESSi0N i HAD. iF i HAD C0NTiUNED 0N THAT PATH i W0ULD BE AN ALC0H0LiC EVENTUALLY. THAT'S N0T WHERE i WANT T0 BE. THAT'S N0W WH0 i WANT T0 BE. THERE F0RE AT THE PARTY i MADE MY FiNAL DECiSi0N THAT EVERY0NE CAN PEER PRESSURE ME ALL THEY WANT T0 DRiNK. BUT iN THE BACK 0F MY MiND THAT i WiLL ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT i D0NT NEED ALC0H0L AS MY CRUTCH T0 HAVE FUN 0R T0 HiDE MY DEPRESSi0N. CAUSE i HAVE S0 MANY 0THER 0UTLETS. i HAVE FRiENDS T0 BACK ME UP && WiPE AWAY MY TEARS. i CAN HAVE FUN LAUGHiN 0N THE FL00R WiTH MY DRUNK FRiENDS 0R LiSTENiN T0 THEN TRYiN T0 SAY S0METHiN T0 ME.&& MY LAST N0TE iS THAT WHEN PE0PLE DRiNK SHiT & DRAMA TENDS T0 ARiSE. & PE0PLE ACT DiFFERENTLY THEY D0NT ACT LiKE THEMSLEVES. THEY ACT LiKE THEiR SiNGLE EVEN iF THEY HAVE S0ME0NE ELSE. THEY D0NT HAVE C0NTR0L & i NEVER WANNA BE 0UT'VE C0NTR0L AGAiN.

N0 MATTER H0W L0NG S0ME0NE HAS BEEN G0NE FR0M Y0UR LiFE. N0 MATTER iF iTS BEEN DAYS, M0NTHS, 0R YEARS. THEY WiLL ALWAYS BE iN Y0UR HEART. WELL AT LEAST 0NLY THE PE0PLE THAT LEFT A MAJ0R iMPACT 0N Y0UR HEAD. HEART. & LiFE. THEY WiLL F0REVER HAVE A PLACE iN Y0UR HEART. N0 MATTER WHAT Y0U CAN GET THEM 0UT 0F Y0UR HEAD 0R HEART. THEY LEFT F00TPRiNTS 0N Y0UR HEART, TH0SE JUST CANN0T BE SWEEP AWAY.

A SHiP THAT'S SAiLED

PE0PLE C0ME AND G0 iN Y0UR LiFE. N0 0NE CAN C0NTR0L iT. 0NLY THiNG THAT CAN iS DESTiNY & FATE. TH0SE WH0 HAVE LEFT Y0UR LiFE ARE SHiPS THAT HAVE SAiLED, THEY HAVE SET SEA WiTH N0 iNTENT T0 RETURN. EVEN TH0UGH THEY HAVE LEFT, THEY HAVE LEFT AN iMPACT, 0KAY MAYBE N0T AN iMPACT. BUT THEY HAVE LEFT S0METHiNG 0N Y0UR LiFE. THEY MADE iS S0 WHEN Y0U REMEMBER THEM. Y0U WiLL REMEMBER THE HURT. THE PAiN. THE TiMES Y0U SHARED WiTH THEM. EVEN iF THEY DiDNT CAUSE Y0U HURT. THEY ARE 0UT'VE Y0UR LiFE. THEY WERE JUST iN Y0UR LiFE T0 BE A LiFE LESS0N. G00D 0R BAD, Y0U LEARNED FR0M iT & MADE iT Y0U STR0NGER. MADE Y0U REALiZED THAT THEY WERE N0THiNG T0 Y0U. THEY WERE JUST S0ME0NE THAT WAS THERE T0 PASS iN & 0UT'VE Y0UR LiFE.

P0SiTiViTY

0F C0URSE MY PAST HAS NEGiTiVE ASPECTS. & NEGiTiVE MEM0RiES. BUT i'M STARTiNG T0 REALiZE WHY L00K AT Y0UR PAST AS S0METHiNG BAD. Y0U SH0ULDN'T BECAUSE Y0UR PAST iS WHAT MADE Y0U. Y0UR THE 0NE THAT GREW FR0M Y0UR PAST. i W0ULDNT CHANGE ANY 0F MY CH0iCES, i W0ULDNT CHANGE A SiNGLE W0RD i SAiD. ALL TH0SE M0MENTS TiED iNT0 MY PAST. THE PERS0N THAT STANDS BEF0RE Y0U. THE PERS0N THAT SPEAKS BEF0RE Y0U. Y0UR FRiEND. Y0UR PAL. Y0UR L0VE. ETC.

Y0UR PAST iS WHAT MAKES Y0U. S0 D0NT L00K AT iT AS A DEATH SENTENCE 0R S0METHiNG H0RRiBLE. L00K AT THE P0SiTiVE M0MENTS THAT Y0U'VE HAD. CAUSE iF Y0U D0NT CHANCES ARE THAT Y0U ARE JUST G0iN T0 BRiNGS Y0URSELF & 0THERS D0WN.

THiS iS F0R ME

SO EVERYONE iS BLOGGiNG NOW. BUT iTS SOMETHiNG THAT i'VE ALWAYS DONE BUT NEVER KEPT UP WiTH. BUT i HAVE SO TO SAY. SO MANY NOTEBOOKS FiLLED WiTH THOUGHTS. i HAD ANOTHER BLOG ON HERE BUT iT JUST DiDNT FEEL RiGHT TO CONT WRiTTiNG ON THAT ONE. CAUSE THAT WAS MY PAST. THiS NEW BLOG iS A MARKiNG OF THE NEW ME. THE iMPROViNG ME. PEOPLE MAY OR MAY NOT READ THiS. BUT THiS iS MOSTLY FOR ME. CAUSE i HAVE SO MUCH TO SAY, AND THERE'S SO MANY EARS OPEN TO HEAR. SO i NEEDED A PLACE THAT i CAN BE ME, TALK TO ME, & HAVE MY THOUGHTS AND FEELiNGS WRiTTEN DOWN. THEREFORE THiS NEW BLOG iS A REFLECTiON OF THE NEW ME. THE FUTURE ME. THE ME iN THE WORKS. i CANNOT GO BACK TO WHERE i WAS OR WHO i USE TO BE. i CAN ONLY START FROM WHERE i WAS, WHERE i AM. && CONT WORKiNG TO MAKE ME A BETTER PERSON WiTH EACH WAKiN DAY. WiTH EACH BREATH i TAKE, & DECiSiON i MAKE.